with the upcoming arrival of Eden (which is closer than i would like to really admit) I have found myself bogged down with the "what i want to be" & "who i want to be" search. i see this woman in my head, and then i look in the mirror and its not the same person.
I am challenged by some very wonderful women, whom i have never met but feel a very distinct connection to through their blogs. little miss momma and enjoying the small things. I read them daily and find myself so very inspired and hopeful that I CAN be that woman, that is until i stop reading and look around at all of the daily chores that need to be accomplished and tasks i still need to finish...
all of my creative energy seems to be leaking out some hole in my body that i can't quite seem to discover. trying to wrangle it all into some sort of organized chaos, seems almost impossible!
and to be honest.. this weather does not encourage this mommy-to-be in the midst of her identity crisis. how i long for a rainy, stormy day to cleanse not only the heat that seems to be permanently stuck to our bodies, homes, cars, and surroundings, but my soul. I love the sound of rain on the windows, the rolls of thunder, and the comfort of the winds. I often stand in front of the window, or out in the rain, just soaking up every piece I can. Oh please rain soon!
--taken from my phone months ago...
i am aware that what i am feeling is probably quite normal, and i wonder how many other women are going/have gone through what i am experiencing now.
I am determined to be who i know i am and stop letting the loads of laundry, dirty dishes, and piles of papers be the mountain i'm hiding behind. here it goes...
Sweetheart, Not wanting to be cliche I do want to say and to encourage you.. Go look in the mirror, really look..see the soft brown hair that crowns your head, your deep brown eyes that light up when you speak, the right eyebrow with the chicken pox "no hair zone", your precious dimples, your beautiful smile that brightens the lives of others that you don't even know..k got that? Now look beyond the dishes, stacks of paper and all those things that you think make you you and you will find one of the most unselfish, caring, supportive, nurturing and loving young woman I know. Now some would say,'your her mom of course you'd say this'. However I have been on the receiving end of your gifts. I love cleaning things up, putting everything where it should go and you have taught me to, BREATH, to be a bit less neurotic. Eden is so blessed to have you as her mom. Remember God choose YOU to be her momma. Do the dishes need done? Do the piles of paper need to be gone through? Yes, and they will be. And sweetheart you need not worry about who you are, cause you are exactly who God made you to be. K, now who do you see in that mirror? My beautiful oldest daughter is perfect in her heavenly Fathers' eyes. I love you so much Mom
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