CHOOSING TO CHANGE

while i had big dreams and plans for a wonderful blog post...

i have been bombarded with a dose of mama guilt, and a roller coaster of emotions about our little girl turning one.

i am so proud of the little girl she is becoming.
she brings so much joy to everyone who meets her.

she is the happiest, cutest, sweetest child... i am completely serious. 
--i can say this because i am told this CONSTANTLY from others!--

she is so curious about life. how things work. she is sensitive to those around her. she is so trusting with those around her. she has no reason not to trust..

and then it hits me. one day she will experience hurt, betrayal, pain... and i can't protect her from it all. its scary.

one day she isn't going to need me as much as she does now.
each day she gets more and more independent.

while it does sometimes get a little overwhelming not having a little break for myself, when i am so blessed to get a break [thank you family!], i find myself grateful that she misses me and sometimes the only thing she wants is mama.

i know that she won't always want mama.

that breaks my heart. i know its good and she needs to grow into her own little self, but so soon? oh... how the tears begin to flow...


and then...

the mama guilt:
- i didnt do all the wonderful things i thought i would do in her first year [most of which has been encouraged by pinterest] 
-that i can't be the super oober-crafty mama, who also happens to have unlimited funds to have an awesome first birthday bash!
-that there are moments through out the day that i doubt my purpose
-that it seems like the days fly by with nothing accomplished, and that i am failing...

okay. breathe kate.
this is normal... right??

well it shouldn't be!
[while i am sure this won't be the last time i feel this way, right now i am making an effort to change]

lets address the mama guilt:

- i didnt do all the wonderful things i thought i would do in her first year [most of which has been encouraged by pinterest] you spent quality time with her. you have memories that most mama's today don't get to share with their littles. you get the opportunity to watch her every single day.

-that i can't be the super oober-crafty mama, who also happens to have unlimited funds to have an awesome first birthday bash! you are plenty creative... in your own way. the money doesn't matter. she has people that love her and want to spoil her. stop comparing yourself to everyone else. stop putting yourself down. embrace who you are. embrace that you have huge dreams and that one day, they will come true. and for now, enjoy the place you are at for this season!

-that there are moments through out the day that i doubt my purpose this is a lie. you have purpose. divine Godly purpose. He chose you to be eden's mama. he knew/knows what he is doing by entrusting her to you. have faith that you have the tools you already need to be the best mama... for your littles.

-that it seems like the days fly by with nothing accomplished, and i am failing... yes, there are days that laundry isn't done, that dishes sit in the sink. that all you got done was sitting on the floor reading the same book over and over, singing the same song over and over, nursing and changing diapers, then suddenly find its time for bed. you know what you accomplished? a lot! you helped your baby develop. grow. learn. trust. love.-- now tell yourself you did nothing.

ryan left this note on my phone for me a couple nights ago. it pulled me to the truth. that i am a good mama. that i do have purpose. and i am not failing. that i am loved and so is eden. and thats all i want right? 

so now that i can breathe again. i am choosing to change.

to embrace who i am. to know that i am changing, for the better. 

and for that to happen, that i have to work on the icky scary stuff.

to enjoy each day. moment by moment 

to realize that i will have a one year old in three days, and its going to be wonderful!