STUPID RASH

while i have debated sharing this,
[mostly because we still don't have answers]
i need to get this off my chest.

warning... you are getting raw, pregnant, frustrated mama here...

for over six months now,
we have been battling a rash with eden.

some days its great, just really dry skin.
other days...
well other days its hell.

while most mama's have to repeat phrases like,
"stop picking your nose"
"don't touch the stove"
"stop hitting"

i have this...

"stop itching."
"don't scratch"
"RUB EDEN! RUB"

ill admit it.
i get crazy irritated. frustrated. angry.
i hate saying that. i wish i had grace. more patience.
for goodness sake, she's not even TWO!

there are days where all eden and i do looks like this:
wake up.
rub lotion.cream. and pray while we apply it.
eat 3 bananas bc its one thing that doesn't break her out.
watch tv or the ipad while i rub on her legs. belly. arms.
color.
she starts itching, saying,
"mama. ittcchy.scra. scra. hurt mama hurt. bath mama bath??"
so into the tub, where she gets some relief.
then out of the bath to rub more "cream mama cream"
"leg hurt leg hurt. mo cream mo cream."
"milk mama. wittle milk?"
since im no longer producing milk, i let her comfort nurse.
yes it hurts. makes my toes cringe. but it gives her relief.
this is maybe 2-3 hours of our day.
then...
we repeat this process. all. day. long.
i cry. she cries. we pray.
at night she turns over with eyes closed,
"hurt mama. leg hurt. rub leg. rub arm. back mama."
we rarely get a full 4 hours of sleep at a time.
she might sleep for 10 hours,
but that doesn't mean she doesn't cry or whine in the middle of the night.
then in the morning,
when we change her...
its a snow-flurry of dried skin.

i plead with God, take this away.
i don't even want an answer any more.
i just want it gone.

while people mean well...
its hard to constantly hear,
"try this..."
"you need to do..."
"have you thought of..."
"she will grow out of it"

yes.
i have researched, taken her to specialists,
tried every-thing under the sun to help our baby.

it doesn't help that when we do seek medical help,
this is the answer we get.
"oh its just eczema. just rub this hydro-cortizone cream on her. she should eventually grow out of it."
to which i reiterate.
"its ALL OVER HER BODY. she screams when we apply it. her skin gets worse."
and this is the oh-so helpful advice,
"well then she will just be itchy. give her some benadryl."
yes, the benadryl that doesn't help WHAT-SO-EVER.
that she also screams when we apply it. and makes it worse if we give her the liquid.
thank you for your wonderful help.
your concern.
no wonder so many people are suffering... ahh thats for another post.

yes.
there are times when all i want to do is strangle some people,
when i know that they are well-meaning and just trying to help.

being completely raw and honest here...
it makes me feel like im a bad mama.
like people actually think i enjoy seeing her in pain.
that i'm just trying to prove a point.

im broken.
my heart breaks for my daughter.
that we can't figure this out.
that we have to tell her no,
you can't eat that.
no, you can't play with the puppies.
yes, you have to wear long sleeves, long pants, and socks when its 90 outside.

she is such a happy, delightful, joyous child.
you would never know what lurks under her clothes.

this is a good day rash...

one night, a couple weeks ago,
i lost it. i broke down in the kitchen.
i told ryan, i don't know what else to do.
we think we're finally onto what causes it and BAM
its back!
i hate telling her to stop scratching. all she knows it that it makes it feel better.

ryan then says, with tears in his eyes,
"i hate that this is all she knows. that she thinks that this is normal."

broken. we are broken.

while right now, we have a plan in action until November.
November we start the GAPS diet. to hopefully heal and restore her body.

its still in the back of my mind...
what if this doesn't work.
will she have to deal with this forever?
oh God, please please just heal her fully.

while it could always be worse,
it doesn't mean that our bad isn't bad.
it doesn't mean that your bad isn't bad either.

i don't know if sharing this will be helpful,
i can pray that it is.
that it comforts someone else,
in knowing that they aren't alone.

that what you are going through,
right now,
yes, its hard. its messy. it sucks.
but you don't have to go through it alone.

even if it is
just a stupid, awful, annoying, irritating rash...