The Village Magazine
i decided to combine all of the posts and place it
here on the blog in its entirety...
the wave of light:finding your voice, walking your journey...
even in the face of incredible loss.
hello lovelies. for those who might not know me,
my name is Kate.
i am a wife and a mama. with two angels in heaven, two earthbound rainbows and one little growing whose arrival comes in 2017.
i am a writer, blogger, creative spirit, wellness warrior, homeschool mama, story teller, baby wearer...
basically "classic oversharer" would be my working title.
my heart beats to love, empower and inspire those i meet.
to shine a light in the darkest of places.
even when i myself, can't fathom the possibility of light in such a dark space.
i am beyond honored to share with you all today a very big piece of my heart...
finding your voice, walking your journey... even in the face of incredible loss...
october is pregnancy and infant loss awareness. remembering all of the babies gone too soon. bringing light and helping one another by working towards stepping out of that darkness. there are so many amazing organizations, blogs, facebook pages, that have opened the door for an outlet for parents to share. to connect.
to grieve and find hope in that overwhelming darkness... together.
there might be some of you who might not know what "wave of light" or "october 15" means...
it is a specific day when we honor and remember those little ones who have left this earth.
infant and pregnancy loss awareness day, the day where at 7pm, wherever you are in the world... you light a candle for one hour. which creates that wave of light... that precious wave of light. that crosses our globe.
when we hold our little ones close,
when we grieve with and love on those who have empty arms.
and when some of us are reminded of the faithfulness and true miracle of rainbows.
our rainbow babies.
::trigger warning::
miscarriage. still birth. infant loss. these are words that can be taboo.
that can strike fear. pain. the unknown. the memories.
the more we can talk, support and rally alongside each other... the more healing begins. its hard to know what mamas need during that time, a season of loss... how long is that season. the best advice i can give you. every mama is different. but i promise that if you have love and compassion in your heart, and you reach out and simply say these words... you have hugged that mamas soul...
"i am so sorry. i love you. i am here. what can i do."
she might not have an answer. she might not even respond.
just continue to love on her. listen to her when she does speak...
and lift her up.
also remember that that season, for some, never ends. and that is ok.
some mamas need to talk. remember.
some need to close the door.
neither is better than another. it is simply what is best for that mama.
for myself... almost 7 and 4 years later from their departure...
i have held on to these pregnancy tests. in this little box...
the only tangible evidence, aside from the paperwork that i have of my angels. these tests used to bring me comfort. something i could hold, to cradle my little ones. to help heal those open wounds of my heart.
now, they overwhelm me. they bring a sadness that is overbearing and not healthy.
i know that now, its time. to move. to release that hold. i know that these tests will not bring them back.
and that one day i WILL see them again...
so for now... in a few days...
i will plant these tests into soil. in this little box. where over the winter i will let go.
for when spring comes, the promise of new life. my mimi's roses.
where they all await us in heaven. the promise of one day... we will all meet again.
this little one growing... fast and strong. while i am so excited to meet this little one... there is always that uncertainty looming over my head... the plea of... please make it. please be healthy and strong. i felt this way through all of my pregnancies... the joy... the excitement... but that small voice inside... the "what if"... this is the first time i have been pregnant and have worked really hard to quiet the fears. to rest and be still in the now. to take each moment, each emotion as it comes...
my sweet littles. the healing that they have brought me. the comfort. the tangible grace and faithfulness of so many prayers. little miss knows of her angel siblings. she knows what it means when we light that candle. for so long i struggled with how to explain when mama was sad or mad... how do you explain death to little ones. surprisingly i was shocked at the innocence and wisdom that would come out of her mouth... "mama, its ok. i love you. we will see them. i just know it. and look... you have life rays. its like a mark from them. like these from me..." when she pointed to those stretch marks from when i was pregnant with her... its amazing how i can look down and see the marks from each little one. like a promise of "i am always with you."
little miss snapped this photo...
there was a time that i would have quickly hidden any photo of myself not at "the perfect angle"... i could not see past all my own insecurities and self scrutiny of myself. and yet again from the mouths of babes... once she asked to see a photo she had taken of me the day before. guilt and shame covered my face. i had deleted it because of bags under my eyes, the double chin and all the other little picky things i could find... it was truth time. i could lie and say, oh no its gone! but why? this was my child. so i told her "i deleted it." "WHY MAMA?!?!?!? I LOVED THAT PHOTO"... tears steamed in my eyes... truth and transparency are hard... especially when its your little ones soul you have to look into and speak the raw truth... "honey, mama didn't like it. im so sorry." "but mama... what didn't you like?!?" how could i explain that i was disgusted with myself, that i didn't really love myself... when i tell her everyday how strong and beautiful she is... inside and out... so i told her "my sweet girl... this is hard to say... but mama doesn't really like her body right now... but im working on it."... the look on her face.. confusion. sadness. "but mama. i love your body." she proceeded to touch parts of my body and tell me all the things she liked. my smile. my eyes that are warm brown like chocolate. my arms... because they hug her. and hold her when she's sad... that was the catalyst to starting to see my body as strong... worthy... important...
i think we all struggle with that voice inside. the one that tells us we aren't good enough. that we are failing. that we are ugly and so not worthy of love.
it has taken me years of re-wiring that self talk. of being able to look into a mirror,
not see self hatred or self doubt. but to see strength, power, and grace.
to look at my belly. the marks of a warrior. who has expanded with live five times now. saying good-bye to two who were not meant for this earth. welcoming two other sweet babies earthside, and watching them grow and thrive...
and now connecting with this little one, to be joining us in a few months.
to look down and run my hand over my growing womb...
to touch and trace those life rays that spread my belly...
these marks forever on my body,
life rays embedded on my skin...
they are with me forever, just like my love for all my littles.
unending... constant... beautiful... sacred.
parenting is something that looks different for all families. it is a truly unique formula that when you start to shut out all the other voices, the "should's and shouldn'ts" from well meaning, and some not well meaning, loved ones... thats when you find your rhythm. your stride. there is no right or wrong way to love your littles, regardless of what some might say... the one golden rule to remember is that... deep down you know. you have to find that voice and trust it. you have it for a reason. you have the little ones you have... for a reason. it is no mistake that they are entrusted to you. these little souls. and i am slowly realizing that its not just to teach, train them, and love them... its to find yourself. to find your voice. to grow into who YOU were created to be... what a beautiful gift these little ones bring...
whether they have left too soon... or they are holding your hand...
their existence no accident, their purpose so great... to help guide you to find your greatest strength...
your voice.
mamahood is hard. its messy. it challenges you. it stretches you.
you grow. oh how you grow.
there are times you are treading water. where the emotions and demands of life can be overwhelming and suffocating...
but just as life can swallow you whole and you can barely breathe,
remember and slowly remind yourself...
moment by moment. season by season. breath by breath...
you will blossom. you start to grow. you are...
finding you.
xoxo, Kate
from the very bottom of my heart, thank you.
thank you for allowing me to share my heart, raw and open...
thank you for taking the time to visit with me, i only wish i had some tea or coffee to share.
thank you for taking a glimpse into our growing little nest. thank you.
i would like to remind you all to join this Saturday night at 7pm your time,
in lighting a candle for one hour. saying a prayer... sending love, light and hugs to those who are grieving and remembering their own losses... reminding yourself how truly fragile, overwhelmingly magical, and the true miracle that life really is...
may you all be abundantly blessed and covered in a contagious light...
let us spark this world... into a loving oblivion...
