WINTER SOLSTICE :: LIGHT IT UP

yesterday was the winter solstice.
the first official day of winter. shortest day of the year.
the longest night...
a time to let things go that no longer serve you.
to reflect on the last year.
and embrace the light that is about to emerge.

so... we got the littles to bed...
and this mama set up a nice bath with some big intentions.
i lit our birthing candle...
no worries, no labor...
i really just wanted to manifest good thoughts, light and healing.

a little side note:
you might not know, but my name means "pure light".
its something that has always struck a very strong cord in my heart.
my parents didn't know when naming me that that was my names meaning.
but there have been some very dark seasons where just the reminder of my name...
has helped me see the light.
and is also probably why i cried watching Moana...
"i know your name."

this year has been intense INTENSE.
one area was a particular rollercoaster...
i had some MAJOR high expectations for myself...
especially physically while pregnant.
and last night i was finally able to REALLY let it go.
to let go of the self-judgement that i wasn't good enough.

it is hard building a wellness business,
based on fitness, nutrition and physical transformation...
when you can't physically work out.
when that self doubt creeps in.
who would want me? who would trust me?
would i really be able to help the very people who were placed in my life...
the ones i know were not by accident?
the belittling thoughts i allowed to sweep through my mind.
it not only affected me personally,
but it affected my business.

you would think i would have learned by now...
growth comes in the struggle.
i fought for months with myself and allowed that self-doubt to run my business...
and it suffered.
it was like a soul crushing wave...
i could see it coming and would fight with all my might...
instead of breathing in and riding that wave...
until last night, while letting all those hateful things i said TO MYSELF,
about myself...
i let it go.
all the expectations that were unrealistic...
i let it go.

i could physically feel this light cover me.
how fitting right?!
i decided to really work on embracing myself.
my body and the amazing transformation its doing.
you know, growing life and all...
manifesting healthy growth.
self love.
grace.
joy in the journey...

i got up out of that bath feeling like a brand new me.
like i had shed a nasty gross self-loathing skin.
i looked in the mirror...
naked.
and for the first time...
in a long time...
the first thought that came to my mind...
"DAMN... you are powerful"
the next thought...
"you really ARE beautiful and glowing."
for the FIRST time in my life...
i had two consecutive thoughts about myself that were loving.
that weren't immediately followed by a negative thought.

i debated sharing this photo...
then i went back and forth with how to share it.
i finally decided to blur it out...
why? why would i blur it after everything i just said?
i blurred it out,
not because i wasn't proud of my body...
not because i was embarrassed...
but because the original photo is SO powerful.
to me.
and i want to keep that raw photo to myself.
will i ever share it...
who knows.
but what i do know...
is it is time to shine,
to light it up.

its time to prune and let the leaves fall.
to let the snow cover and cleanse.
to let that light inside shine...
shine so bright...

2017... I've got big plans.
its time to LIGHT IT UP.