2012. already?
my mind is full of thoughts and stories that i want to share, but time seems to be focused 100% on Eden. (as it should be!) i promise there will be posts soon... of her entrance into this world, the moments leading up to that, her first week, the trips she has taken, and the past two and a half months of her life...
we have traveled with this little girl so much in the past two months, we are joking about getting her a passport.
life has not gone at all how i envisioned or planned it... its been better than what i could have ever expected!
I am sitting in bed, its 2:16am. Ryan is asleep next to me and Eden is sound asleep in her bouncer on the floor next to me, dreaming of who knows what those little innocent minds dream! i hear her intake of breath and then her sighs to look in the dim reflection of my computer screen to see her smile. joy, happiness, and this indescribable primal love are bursting at the seams. i find myself, daily, just staring at her remembering back a year from now where i was at... (forgive me if i am hard to follow.. i am running on little sleep!)
i was starting a new job. watching someone else's child. struggling with the thoughts of "will i ever get to watch, teach and love my own child? is God really hearing my prayers? my cries in the middle of the night, in the shower, in the car by myself?" my heart was still broken after losing Noah, 2 years prior.
a child we didn't even know we had, until he was already gone.
i wondered many nights since then, if i had known i was pregnant would i have gone on to deliver a healthy baby boy? had we missed our chance to have a child? after so many doctors who made it seem like getting pregnant might be a mountain we would have to climb, i never suspected i could get pregnant with out even trying.
o' me of little faith.
i remember when i starting "thinking" i was pregnant... i kept telling myself, its just wishful thinking. no way could i be pregnant... until i decided.. well i guess ill take a pregnancy test.. i mean i have an extra one just laying around. that day will forever be etched in my mind.
a memory of surprise, joy, fear, excitement, doubt, belief, disbelief.
i was so scared of losing another baby, that when we made it out of the "safe" zone (13 weeks) i was still very cautious and nervous that something might go wrong. until i learned to enjoy the moments i do have and to stop fretting the "what-ifs".
many know that i am a worrier. i plan EVERYTHING. i google (to a fault). i fret.
about half-way through my pregnancy with Eden, God reminded me that He had us in His hands. that He wanted me to rest in Him. to TRUST him. to really LIVE life. not spend it worrying or trying to plan the next event.
last year, i never thought that a year later i would be in bed with MY daughter asleep next to me. Oh the joy that would come in holding her.
even though i should be sleeping i just cant stop staring at this baby who has taught me so much in these first couple weeks...
how to stop everything and just live in the moment. whether its a cuddle moment. a bath time moment. a nursing moment. a sleepy moment. a screaming moment. a poopy diaper moment. because these are moments that i can never get back. she will grow up. and i don't want to ever look back and see that i thought laundry, dishes, photography, cleaning, or worrying was more important than these moments.
no matter where you are in your journey of life, remind yourself to enjoy and take advantage of the moments. i promise they are worth it!
now off to sleep i go... that is if i can keep my eyes closed and not stare at her all night... again.
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