To say that I have avoided blogging would be a major understatement. Every time I pull out my computer to "write out my thoughts", facebook, emails, baby information seem to be my minds first priority.
A BIG part of me, I believe, thinks that when I do finally choose to write down these bombarding thoughts and feelings, that it will make them honestly real and I will no longer be able to just ignore the truth.
** Please understand I am aware that most of what I am feeling is "normal"... but I need to let it out**
i am terrified.
big surprise there right? I am currently 38 weeks 2 days pregnant and am so not prepared for Eden to be outside of my body. So bear with me while I just thought vomit!
I am amazed that we are so close to meeting her. that i will be able to hold her and look into her eyes and just stare. this little one that God sent to us. to wonder what she is thinking. what she is going to do in this world. is she going to talk non-stop like her momma, or be the quiet, when she speaks its profound, like her daddy. is she ever going to understand and know how much we love her. what is her favorite color going to be. what will her first word be. will she have the hiccup-burps her daddy gets when we are in the car..(insert smile here!)
then i think of all the pain and hurt this world can cause. the what-ifs. the sickness. the "mean girls". the boo-boos. oh how i want to keep her from that. cant she just stay inside forever? but then we will never get to really hold her.. its a vicious cycle i tell you! but i know that these things are what mold and shape her into who she will become.
every time i feel her move, flip, or kick me, i smile. then just recently i start to tear up. is this going to be the last movement i feel before labor starts? how can i remember these moments of just her and me, sitting in bed, me chasing her tiny leg with my fingers. how can i capture the smile on Ryan's face when he talks to her or places his hand on my tummy to feel her roll around? the amazement in his eyes when she starts her dance party then adds in the hiccups right before we pray and go to sleep... these are things i NEVER want to forget.
there were so many things that i had "planned" to do before she comes. maternity pictures, belly cast, start her baby book, write her letter before she arrives, have all the photos i have taken over the past months made in a book, make her some cute clothes/bows/crafts i have bookmarked from other mommy bloggers... none of these things are done and she will arrive any minute. there really is nothing done! i still haven't washed her clothes, and the car seat has yet to be installed!
but to those who really know me... are you that shocked? hehe
i worry she is going to get here before we have the house cleaned and organized, before her room is set up, before all the little things... (ryan tells me "just think, the more you worry the sooner she gets here! so stop worrying!" oh how i love him!) hard to do when every tightening, pull, pain, makes me think... is it time?! is it happening??
then on the selfish-ish side i think, its no longer just ryan and me. we have this little tiny (well, maybe not tiny) baby who is totally dependent on us. i have mixed feelings about this. i am honored and thrilled then i am terrified.. what if i mess up?
i NEVER had these thoughts when babysitting/nannying:
-what if i drop her?
-what if the water is too hot for bath?
-will i put the right clothing on when its cold outside?
-is she going hate me?
the list goes on... i have watched numerous children and never EVER have these thoughts entered my head. so why in the world am i thinking them about my OWN?
i am choosing to place a little of the blame on hormones! ;)
well, now that those thoughts are now out for the world to see, i feel a little better. like i can breathe.
i am excited about this new season and adventure. yes the sleepless nights. screaming baby. stinky poopy diapers. the throw-up/spit up. the putting on diapers the wrong way. but also the sweet smell. the cuddles. the coos she will make. holding on to our fingers. the laughs. the kisses. oh i am ready!
well, maybe if she could hold off a little longer so we can at least install the car seat and wash her clothes!
these are some photos i have taken from my phone...
when i look at these they remind me to breathe and just embrace the moment.
Again i say... OH I AM READY!
WARNING: BARE BELLY PHOTOS BELOW
** and a reminder to Eden... the "x" on mommies tummy above her belly button is one of the many reasons you really need to think before you get your belly button pierced!**
