yes its happening again!
we are growing our little nest.
totally surprised and so excited to meet this new little one.
we had talked the last few months about another baby.
we've always had the mindset,
whenever we're blessed with another little...
it would be the right time.
the past couple nights i haven't been able to sleep from 4-6 am.
i toss and turn. wide awake.
ryan asleep on one side.
eden just fed and asleep on the other.
if i am completely honest:
i stalk on instagram. facebook. check my emails. search on craigslist for a piece of furniture for a diy christmas gift for eden.
and then, when i still can't fall asleep, i pray.
we pray before we go to bed each night. sometimes they are fervent prayers. but lately, they have been short and to the point prayers.
"thank you for our blessings. protect us while we sleep and through out our day tomorrow. give us wisdom and guidance. let us sleep well and be fully rested when we wake up. amen."
well, this morning.
again, can't sleep. i go through the routine... and roll over.
then i am prompted to get up and have my quiet time.
something that i have not done in a very long time.
why?
fear. shame. pure laziness. guilt.
i haven't spent true one-on-one time with God.
i have been embarrassed to admit that. scared that He wouldn't want to spend time with me.
oh what lies we tell ourselves. the lies we will believe.
so i got up. out of bed. grabbed my bible. got to my computer. opened up youversion and found two devotionals.
talking with God in prayer the confident woman
oh how my soul is filled.
while God restored my soul, He reminded me of how much He loves me. He desires me. He finds me valuable, worthy, with a specific purpose.
this was the prayer that was at the end of the devo:
LORD, I ask you to imprint Your love into the depths of my heart. I believe you have a great future for me and that I can walk in Your purpose for my life. Amen. i write down everything, so while writing this prayer down i added, "into the depths of my soul, my heart." after writing it, i prayed. and wow. the peace that came over me. the reassurance. the love. and with that the Holy Spirit revealed to me: "Kate, you are in the season I have you in for a specific purpose. embrace it. don't fight it."
a powerful word.
i have struggled so much lately with my purpose. what is it?
it never occurred to me, i am in it already.
while i am writing this, At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott is playing on pandora...
trade these ashes in for beauty. and wear forgiveness like a crown. coming to kiss the feet of mercy, i lay every burden down, at the foot of the cross. and you've won my heart. youtube video
what a wonderful way to start today.
not what i was prepared for. not what i thought would happen.
but so worth it. so refreshing.
i am sharing this, because i know that i am not the only one who is experiencing this season right now.
know that you are loved. you are so very loved. that He is waiting for you. He desires you. your time. your heart. your everything.
don't wait like i did. jump in. let His perfect love and mercy surround you.
its pitter-pattering on our windows. the sound of rain is so comforting to me.
but tonight, it is different.
the forecast is tomorrow afternoon we will be hit with the beginning of hurricane Sandy aka.Frankenstorm.
[and to think we moved from Texas and its hurricanes... only to be in PA and preparing for power loss as well as flooding]
ryan got a phone call from work asking him to travel tomorrow.
to lancaster, pa.
aka. closer to the storm.
for three days.
we talked about him going and decided that he would say no.
unless they couldn't find anyone else.
well, they needed two people, and yup. ryan is one of them.
while at first, i wasn't too concerned.
i would miss him, like i always do. but he is providing for our family, and he is helping work out.
but this afternoon, we went to a birthday party. and on the way home we had a talk.
one of those talks you really don't want to talk about. the ones you don't want to even dream about.
the talk of...
what will happen if something were to happen to one of us. or even both of us.
what will happen with Eden? our future children?
its gut wrenching to think about. i can not imagine life without Ryan. i don't want to.
even worse, i don't even want to think of the possibility of Eden being left without both of us.
it makes me cry. ache.
as a mama, you want to protect your children from everything. love them fiercely. share life with them. the thought that that could be ripped away from her...
dear jesus help me.
help me...
to not let my mind wander.
to give this to you, fully.
to protect our family.
to watch over ryan while he is gone.
to keep everyone safe through out this storm.
so i ask you, please pray for not only Ryan while he is gone, but for the families and people who are in the path of this storm. for safety and protection. for not only the physical storm, but for the emotional storms that brew in our hearts and soul. that can get so easily out of hand with worry and fear. pray for the children.
for not everyone has the love of storms that i do.
so while its pitter-pattering outside, i give my worry and fear to you lord.
i will miss my partner in crime, my strength, my warmth, my love. even though its only for a couple of days...
now that things have sorta kinda settled down since moving,
we are getting back into the groove of things.
what better way to start than with a baptism!
at seven months and 3 days old,
May 27, 2012 Eden Elizabeth Schwartz was baptized.
we all know how much i love sentimental things,
so the church she was baptized in has a very special place in our family history.
Lutheran Church of Our Saviour in North Huntingdon, PA
the church where both of my grandparents attended and were members of while living in Pennsylvania.
the church where my parents met, fell in love and got married in.
the church where my maternal grandfather still attends
and my maternal grandmother's life was celebrated when she passed in February of 2012.
It was also Pentecost Sunday, which was also the Sunday that Ryan and I got married almost 6 years ago. (unbeknownst to us until after the ceremony!)
And one year ago, to the date, is when our family was rocked with the news
that my Mimi had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
So, when I woke up this morning I was overwhelmed
with the love and support that we received from family and friends
who came to the church to be a part of our daughters special day.
These friends, who might as well be family, were all dealing with their own grief of losing a wife, mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, and friend just a few months ago.
My Mimi was the glue that held all of us together,
I believe that it was because of her and her testimony to who she was,
that we had the support and love we had today.
Walking into the church to see almost twenty people on behalf of Eden was overwhelming. Ryan and I have longed for this sense of "home" and "belonging" and it was evident that this is where God has called us.
while we, personally, are not lutheran and have different beliefs of baptism
(its up to her and her choice to make),
it is and will always be a special moment in Eden's life, as well as our own.
To make this even just more sentimental, while in the moving process we found Ryan's baptism program and saw that Ryan was baptized in the Lutheran Church! I had always known I was baptized in the Lutheran Church, so this was just another little family gem!
here is the video of her baptism.
another special moment that none of us were aware of...
My grandfather was the "official church representative" who welcomed her into the family and body of Christ. He is the one who lighted her baptism candle.
we have prayed for her and over her since before she was even conceived.
our desire for her was that she would love the Lord with all her mind, soul and spirit.
that she would have wisdom beyond understanding.
that she would be a joy and "delight" (the meaning of her name) to all she comes in contact with.
that she is an example to others, and uses her gifts and talents for the glory of God.
that she finds the blessings and silver linings in all things, good or bad.
there are so many specific things we have prayed over her,
and these were just a few.
Eden is God's child, just like all children,
and it is our job to direct her, teach her, discipline her,
and love her according to God's guidelines and authority.
we are honored that God chose us to be her parents.
please continue to pray for Ryan and I.
That we have wisdom, patience, understanding, love,
joy, peace, discernment, mercy, and grace while on this journey.
Ryan, Aunt Julie, Me and Eden.
thank you to those who have spent countless hours praying over our daughter.
thank you to those who continue to pray for her.
thank you to those who love her unconditionally.
thank you to the family and friends that came to witness her baptism.
thank you to the family and friends who could not be with us in person but were there in spirit.
thank you Mimi, for legacy you created for our family.
To say that I have avoided blogging would be a major understatement. Every time I pull out my computer to "write out my thoughts", facebook, emails, baby information seem to be my minds first priority.
A BIG part of me, I believe, thinks that when I do finally choose to write down these bombarding thoughts and feelings, that it will make them honestly real and I will no longer be able to just ignore the truth.
** Please understand I am aware that most of what I am feeling is "normal"... but I need to let it out**
i am terrified.
big surprise there right? I am currently 38 weeks 2 days pregnant and am so not prepared for Eden to be outside of my body. So bear with me while I just thought vomit!
I am amazed that we are so close to meeting her. that i will be able to hold her and look into her eyes and just stare. this little one that God sent to us. to wonder what she is thinking. what she is going to do in this world. is she going to talk non-stop like her momma, or be the quiet, when she speaks its profound, like her daddy. is she ever going to understand and know how much we love her. what is her favorite color going to be. what will her first word be. will she have the hiccup-burps her daddy gets when we are in the car..(insert smile here!)
then i think of all the pain and hurt this world can cause. the what-ifs. the sickness. the "mean girls". the boo-boos. oh how i want to keep her from that. cant she just stay inside forever? but then we will never get to really hold her.. its a vicious cycle i tell you! but i know that these things are what mold and shape her into who she will become.
every time i feel her move, flip, or kick me, i smile. then just recently i start to tear up. is this going to be the last movement i feel before labor starts? how can i remember these moments of just her and me, sitting in bed, me chasing her tiny leg with my fingers. how can i capture the smile on Ryan's face when he talks to her or places his hand on my tummy to feel her roll around? the amazement in his eyes when she starts her dance party then adds in the hiccups right before we pray and go to sleep... these are things i NEVER want to forget.
there were so many things that i had "planned" to do before she comes. maternity pictures, belly cast, start her baby book, write her letter before she arrives, have all the photos i have taken over the past months made in a book, make her some cute clothes/bows/crafts i have bookmarked from other mommy bloggers... none of these things are done and she will arrive any minute. there really is nothing done! i still haven't washed her clothes, and the car seat has yet to be installed!
but to those who really know me... are you that shocked? hehe
i worry she is going to get here before we have the house cleaned and organized, before her room is set up, before all the little things... (ryan tells me "just think, the more you worry the sooner she gets here! so stop worrying!" oh how i love him!) hard to do when every tightening, pull, pain, makes me think... is it time?! is it happening??
then on the selfish-ish side i think, its no longer just ryan and me. we have this little tiny (well, maybe not tiny) baby who is totally dependent on us. i have mixed feelings about this. i am honored and thrilled then i am terrified.. what if i mess up?
i NEVER had these thoughts when babysitting/nannying:
-what if i drop her?
-what if the water is too hot for bath?
-will i put the right clothing on when its cold outside?
-is she going hate me?
the list goes on... i have watched numerous children and never EVER have these thoughts entered my head. so why in the world am i thinking them about my OWN?
i am choosing to place a little of the blame on hormones! ;)
well, now that those thoughts are now out for the world to see, i feel a little better. like i can breathe.
i am excited about this new season and adventure. yes the sleepless nights. screaming baby. stinky poopy diapers. the throw-up/spit up. the putting on diapers the wrong way. but also the sweet smell. the cuddles. the coos she will make. holding on to our fingers. the laughs. the kisses. oh i am ready!
well, maybe if she could hold off a little longer so we can at least install the car seat and wash her clothes!
these are some photos i have taken from my phone...
when i look at these they remind me to breathe and just embrace the moment.
Again i say... OH I AM READY!
WARNING: BARE BELLY PHOTOS BELOW
** and a reminder to Eden... the "x" on mommies tummy above her belly button is one of the many reasons you really need to think before you get your belly button pierced!**
