TAKE CARE MAMA. PLEASE

there is a theme that i am seeing through a majority of the blogs i read and follow...

learning to say no.
learning to say yes.
listening to yourself.
trusting yourself.
taking care of yourself.

is it any wonder that a majority of the blogs i follow are fellow mamas?

we pour our heart, mind, body, and soul into taking care of our littles. our family.
most of the times neglecting ourselves.

when our bodies start to demand:

sleep.
peace.
alone time.

we feel guilty. lazy.
like we are doing a disservice to our family. friends.
and...we ignore that voice inside.

until,
you erupt.

i had this moment last night.

the past couple weeks, heck the past couple months, i have ignored what my body has been telling screaming, at me.

rest. sleep. relax. exercise. feed me.
body, soul, and mind.

we live with my mother and my sister.
things can get nasty sometimes.
we say things we don't mean.
we deny, defend, and point fingers at the other.

most of the times, these moments happen when we are exhausted and emotionally drained.

we lost our grandmother. my mom lost her mama.
we move forward like we are okay.
are we? no.

honestly, i still have yet to deal with the feelings/emotions i have in regard to her death.

subconsciously, i think its because my body knows i can't handle that right now.

in addition to all of this,
i have placed a huge amount of pressure upon myself to be:

the perfect mama.
the one who has everything done at the end of the day.
the one who can do it all.
the one who has millions of cute crafts and photo ops.
the one who doesn't need to rest when baby rests.
the perfect wife.
the one who doesn't get angry or upset over the little things.
the one who makes sure all the laundry is done and folded, everyday.
the one who looks like she stepped out of a magazine with the perfect everything.
the one who does everything with a smile on her face.

talk about extreme and unrealistic expectations.
but in the crazy kate universe it should all...
make sense. come together. equal that list.

hence, the explosion that occurred last night.
i screamed. i yelled. i banged things around.
i said hurtful things. i cried harder than i have ever cried in my life.
i was physically shaking at the emotions that were coursing through my body.

i am ashamed at the things i said, the things i did.
i am mortified.

i apologized.

and today i was in a funk.
i tried to blame it on the no sleep.
the weather, and how pitch black comes at 5:45 at night.
my vitamin d levels.
the fact my cycle has yet to appear and i've gotten two negative pregnancy tests, and that all i want is an answer.
(i feel the need to stress here that we are not actively trying for another baby now, but most definitely not preventing it)

i went to target, planned on going to the grocery store later, and called my mom to see if she wanted to meet me there.

she came. she knew something was wrong. (like most moms do)
i told her all the above reasons of why i thought i was having an off day.

and you know what she did?
she stopped me in the aisle of target, near the clearance (my favorite spot), looked at me and said, with a smile,
"im going to say somethings you probably don't want to hear right now. and i am hoping that us being in a public place will help us not to get into another screaming match"--- you got to have some humor after going at each other like rabid dogs! ;)

she then proceeded to tell me, in a very frank manner,
that i am not taking care of myself.
truly taking care of myself.
and that i am not only doing a huge disservice to myself, but to
eden, ryan, my family, my body, my friends, and my future children.

--frying pan over the head--

how many times have you heard,
"you are no help to others if you don't take care of yourself"

why is it so difficult for me to remember this? take it to heart? live it out?

my body has now started putting up major shut-down signs...
i feel sickness creeping in.
so i poured myself some tea, got in a big fuzzy robe, sat in bed and tried to relax.
i am determined now to not get sick.
to take care of myself, the correct way.
not in the way where i say,
i will wait until things are calmed down, and not so crazy.
because honestly,
they will always be crazy.

--another mama nugget of wisdom--
life doesn't happen in the calm,
 it happens when things are crazy, unplanned, and spontaneous. 

so now i am making an effort to change (a theme for me as of late)

to change my days.
to take time for me.
to love myself.
to take care of myself.

xoxo,
kate

DIAPERS

***warning: we will be discussing bodily functions on this post. Mostly reguarding POOP***

we cloth diaper. It is something that I had little knowledge about before I got pregnant. I was under the impression it was just pins and cloths.

Little did I know there was a huge community and lots of cute "fluff" aka. diapers, out there.

Eden has had extremely sensitive skin from the day she was born, which is one of the many reasons we decided to use cloth!

We have used cloth diapers from the time Eden was around 2 months old.

While I will have more than a couple of posts on what we use, our routine, and what I've learned, currently I need to vent.

As much as I love our cloth diapers... I'm a little burnt out right now.

Eden has been breastfed exclusively now for the first year of her life. [another post coming up on that] with that said, her poop has been awesome! Little to no smell, and I can just launder without having to rinse the diapers before washing!

However, we have been experimenting with some baby food pouches when we are out at lunch or dinner with family. [mostly to keep her occupied]
With that has come... STINKY CHUNKY BABY POOP.

Not only that, I have had to start stripping my diapers. --sounds naughty right?!--

Stripping is basically removing built up detergent in the diapers. Which takes a long process here in PA due to colder temps and not being able to "sun" them-- hang them outside to dry and sanitize-- [can you see why many posts on the topic of cloth diapering are needed??]

Thank you Storm Sandy!! For now you have made my work two-fold!

we currently live with my mom and sister. which pretty much makes our laundry room a revolving door. Then you add in the load of cloth diapers every other day... It can get a little overwhelming standing in that tiny room and constantly moving clothes around...

While we are currently adjusting our routine, searching for methods of how to deal with stripping ;) and the new adventure of ec'ing [elimination communication] this road could get bumpy...

But I'll tell you one thing.

It's all worth it.

Even in my venting and emotional state right now, I know the importance and impact cloth diapering has had on our family.

Our finances are happier. Our daughters bottom is happier- no more icky rashes- and not to mention, her hieney sure does look cute don't you think??