NIGHTY-NIGHT

night-time is going pretty rough around these parts.

since our car accident last week,
little miss has been acting strange.
don't get me wrong,
she still our her sweet curious baby,
but something is bothering her.

i think its molars.

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via KATE on Pinterest

she doesn't want to sleep
or nurse, or eat, or play, or cuddle...

it so pitiful.
she arches her back to get down...
then immediately turns around to be picked back up.

and she is doing this.
all. day. long.
constantly.

she's throwing fits.
temper tantrums...
i never remember any of the children i nannied going through this this early on.

it breaks my heart that she can't come right out and say,
"mama... i feel... [blank]"
"mama... it hurts"
"dada, help me"

now. be aware... i am running on minimal sleep,
and thats probably not always a best idea to start a post.
but its life. [and im praying one day i will look at this, 
read and smile. remembering that it only lasted for a little while]

i know her teeth are bothering her,
but now im starting to wonder...
is it something else?

the past few nights i have gotten her to sleep by
putting her in the boba or ring sling and walking in circles
around the house. the christmas tree. the kitchen.

she knows if i stop walking.
or even if i walk in a straight line down the hall...
smart girl... a genius i tell you!

and even when she does fall asleep
its only for an hour or two.
then she is up again. over and over...

my patience is wearing thin.
i can't see straight anymore.
i keep trying to remind myself,
"she's trying to figure this out too"

tonight, one thought that struck me
in the shower [the best place for revelations]...
is that we don't have a schedule.
we have never really been that family.

im starting to doubt what i am doing.
im starting to worry that im doing a disservice to her
by not having a schedule. a constant pattern.

so tomorrow,
we will start a "routine".
i like the way that sounds much better. ;)

does anyone have any specific routine? schedule?
night time ritual for your littles?

what things work for you?
don't work?

come on mama's... i need all the help i can get!

as much as i love walking her to sleep,
my body can't take much more midnight walking laps.

xoxo

kate

TAKE CARE MAMA. PLEASE

there is a theme that i am seeing through a majority of the blogs i read and follow...

learning to say no.
learning to say yes.
listening to yourself.
trusting yourself.
taking care of yourself.

is it any wonder that a majority of the blogs i follow are fellow mamas?

we pour our heart, mind, body, and soul into taking care of our littles. our family.
most of the times neglecting ourselves.

when our bodies start to demand:

sleep.
peace.
alone time.

we feel guilty. lazy.
like we are doing a disservice to our family. friends.
and...we ignore that voice inside.

until,
you erupt.

i had this moment last night.

the past couple weeks, heck the past couple months, i have ignored what my body has been telling screaming, at me.

rest. sleep. relax. exercise. feed me.
body, soul, and mind.

we live with my mother and my sister.
things can get nasty sometimes.
we say things we don't mean.
we deny, defend, and point fingers at the other.

most of the times, these moments happen when we are exhausted and emotionally drained.

we lost our grandmother. my mom lost her mama.
we move forward like we are okay.
are we? no.

honestly, i still have yet to deal with the feelings/emotions i have in regard to her death.

subconsciously, i think its because my body knows i can't handle that right now.

in addition to all of this,
i have placed a huge amount of pressure upon myself to be:

the perfect mama.
the one who has everything done at the end of the day.
the one who can do it all.
the one who has millions of cute crafts and photo ops.
the one who doesn't need to rest when baby rests.
the perfect wife.
the one who doesn't get angry or upset over the little things.
the one who makes sure all the laundry is done and folded, everyday.
the one who looks like she stepped out of a magazine with the perfect everything.
the one who does everything with a smile on her face.

talk about extreme and unrealistic expectations.
but in the crazy kate universe it should all...
make sense. come together. equal that list.

hence, the explosion that occurred last night.
i screamed. i yelled. i banged things around.
i said hurtful things. i cried harder than i have ever cried in my life.
i was physically shaking at the emotions that were coursing through my body.

i am ashamed at the things i said, the things i did.
i am mortified.

i apologized.

and today i was in a funk.
i tried to blame it on the no sleep.
the weather, and how pitch black comes at 5:45 at night.
my vitamin d levels.
the fact my cycle has yet to appear and i've gotten two negative pregnancy tests, and that all i want is an answer.
(i feel the need to stress here that we are not actively trying for another baby now, but most definitely not preventing it)

i went to target, planned on going to the grocery store later, and called my mom to see if she wanted to meet me there.

she came. she knew something was wrong. (like most moms do)
i told her all the above reasons of why i thought i was having an off day.

and you know what she did?
she stopped me in the aisle of target, near the clearance (my favorite spot), looked at me and said, with a smile,
"im going to say somethings you probably don't want to hear right now. and i am hoping that us being in a public place will help us not to get into another screaming match"--- you got to have some humor after going at each other like rabid dogs! ;)

she then proceeded to tell me, in a very frank manner,
that i am not taking care of myself.
truly taking care of myself.
and that i am not only doing a huge disservice to myself, but to
eden, ryan, my family, my body, my friends, and my future children.

--frying pan over the head--

how many times have you heard,
"you are no help to others if you don't take care of yourself"

why is it so difficult for me to remember this? take it to heart? live it out?

my body has now started putting up major shut-down signs...
i feel sickness creeping in.
so i poured myself some tea, got in a big fuzzy robe, sat in bed and tried to relax.
i am determined now to not get sick.
to take care of myself, the correct way.
not in the way where i say,
i will wait until things are calmed down, and not so crazy.
because honestly,
they will always be crazy.

--another mama nugget of wisdom--
life doesn't happen in the calm,
 it happens when things are crazy, unplanned, and spontaneous. 

so now i am making an effort to change (a theme for me as of late)

to change my days.
to take time for me.
to love myself.
to take care of myself.

xoxo,
kate

YOU'VE WON MY HEART

the past couple nights i haven't been able to sleep from 4-6 am.

i toss and turn. wide awake.

ryan asleep on one side. 

eden just fed and asleep on the other.

if i am completely honest:
i stalk on instagram. facebook. check my emails. search on craigslist for a piece of furniture for a diy christmas gift for eden.

and then, when i still can't fall asleep, i pray.

we pray before we go to bed each night. sometimes they are fervent prayers. but lately, they have been short and to the point prayers.

"thank you for our blessings. protect us while we sleep and through out our day tomorrow. give us wisdom and guidance. let us sleep well and be fully rested when we wake up. amen."

well, this morning.

again, can't sleep. i go through the routine... and roll over.

then i am prompted to get up and have my quiet time.

something that i have not done in a very long time.

why?

fear. shame. pure laziness. guilt.

i haven't spent true one-on-one time with God.
i have been embarrassed to admit that. scared that He wouldn't want to spend time with me.

oh what lies we tell ourselves. the lies we will believe.

so i got up. out of bed. grabbed my bible. got to my computer. opened up youversion and found two devotionals.

talking with God in prayer
the confident woman

oh how my soul is filled.

while God restored my soul, He reminded me of how much He loves me. He desires me. He finds me valuable, worthy, with a specific purpose.

this was the prayer that was at the end of the devo:

LORD, I ask you to imprint Your love into the depths of my heart. I believe you have a great future for me and that I can walk in Your purpose for my life. Amen.

i write down everything, so while writing this prayer down i added, "into the depths of my soul, my heart." 

after writing it, i prayed. and wow. 
the peace that came over me.
the reassurance. the love.

and with that the Holy Spirit revealed to me:
"Kate, you are in the season I have you in for a specific purpose. embrace it. don't fight it."

a powerful word.

i have struggled so much lately with my purpose. what is it?
 it never occurred to me, i am in it already.

while i am writing this, At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott is playing on pandora...

trade these ashes in for beauty.
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
coming to kiss the feet of mercy, 
i lay every burden down, 
at the foot of the cross.
and you've won my heart.

youtube video

what a wonderful way to start today.

not what i was prepared for. not what i thought would happen.
but so worth it. so refreshing.

i am sharing this, because i know that i am not the only one who is experiencing this season right now.

know that you are loved. you are so very loved. that He is waiting for you. He desires you. your time. your heart. your everything.

don't wait like i did. jump in. let His perfect love and mercy surround you.