INVESTING IN YOURSELF

Sometimes life hits you.

It hits hard and fast. You feel like your tossed and turned and then slammed into a brick wall only to be run over by a train.

Yes. Life is hard.

When these moments hit me,
I tend to get overwhelmed and irritable.
say things I don't mean.

Lately I've been trying to be more aware of how I respond.
to the things I have no control over.
because if I'm honest... The only thing I can control is how I react.

Most of the time when I ignore how I am feeling, things blow up.

I'm working on getting better at realizing when I'm stressed and need a time-out.

I used to think that made me weak.
that it showed I couldn't cope.
that i can't handle life.

But that's where I was wrong.

It takes strength to admit you need a time-out.
a break. it takes strength to actually do it.

my family has been awesome at helping me in those moments.

taking Eden for an hour or two, so I can take a shower.
a nap. a walk. or just to sit in my room. alone.

a couple weeks ago, Ryan had flowers and a book in our room with strict instructions that I was to stay in that room and he would watch Eden until she needed to eat. I got four hours of relaxing and a much needed nap.

that spoke to me.
while it was sweet and thoughtful of him, it made me realize that he saw a need.

a need that I didn't recognize. that I was afraid to admit I needed space.

that I needed alone time.

I don't do well with alone. Ask any of my family.
We are known for our frequent bathroom talks, to bombard eachother while someone is taking a shower.
(most of the time it's me coming in!)

I felt guilty that I needed space from Eden.
that it somehow made me a bad mom.
A bad person.

And that's when it hit me. Sitting in our room alone...

Other mama's warned me, but I didn't believe them.

"take time for you" they said.

How could I not want to have Eden with me all the time?
Who doesn't want to be around there child 24/7?

Well, it's true. You need time for you.

How can you take care of everyone else if you neglect yourself?

I stay at home. I still exclusively nurse Eden. I run our family.
I take care of a little human! That takes a lot more out of you than you think.

Its like your bank account:
if I'm not putting money in, I'm going to eventually run out... Right? Same concept.

so i encourage you. take time for you.
whether that's an uninterrupted shower.
reading a book. a cup of tea, or hot chocolate this season.
a nap. a walk by yourself...

invest in you.
trust me... everyone will thank you for it!

xoxo, 

kate

TAKE CARE MAMA. PLEASE

there is a theme that i am seeing through a majority of the blogs i read and follow...

learning to say no.
learning to say yes.
listening to yourself.
trusting yourself.
taking care of yourself.

is it any wonder that a majority of the blogs i follow are fellow mamas?

we pour our heart, mind, body, and soul into taking care of our littles. our family.
most of the times neglecting ourselves.

when our bodies start to demand:

sleep.
peace.
alone time.

we feel guilty. lazy.
like we are doing a disservice to our family. friends.
and...we ignore that voice inside.

until,
you erupt.

i had this moment last night.

the past couple weeks, heck the past couple months, i have ignored what my body has been telling screaming, at me.

rest. sleep. relax. exercise. feed me.
body, soul, and mind.

we live with my mother and my sister.
things can get nasty sometimes.
we say things we don't mean.
we deny, defend, and point fingers at the other.

most of the times, these moments happen when we are exhausted and emotionally drained.

we lost our grandmother. my mom lost her mama.
we move forward like we are okay.
are we? no.

honestly, i still have yet to deal with the feelings/emotions i have in regard to her death.

subconsciously, i think its because my body knows i can't handle that right now.

in addition to all of this,
i have placed a huge amount of pressure upon myself to be:

the perfect mama.
the one who has everything done at the end of the day.
the one who can do it all.
the one who has millions of cute crafts and photo ops.
the one who doesn't need to rest when baby rests.
the perfect wife.
the one who doesn't get angry or upset over the little things.
the one who makes sure all the laundry is done and folded, everyday.
the one who looks like she stepped out of a magazine with the perfect everything.
the one who does everything with a smile on her face.

talk about extreme and unrealistic expectations.
but in the crazy kate universe it should all...
make sense. come together. equal that list.

hence, the explosion that occurred last night.
i screamed. i yelled. i banged things around.
i said hurtful things. i cried harder than i have ever cried in my life.
i was physically shaking at the emotions that were coursing through my body.

i am ashamed at the things i said, the things i did.
i am mortified.

i apologized.

and today i was in a funk.
i tried to blame it on the no sleep.
the weather, and how pitch black comes at 5:45 at night.
my vitamin d levels.
the fact my cycle has yet to appear and i've gotten two negative pregnancy tests, and that all i want is an answer.
(i feel the need to stress here that we are not actively trying for another baby now, but most definitely not preventing it)

i went to target, planned on going to the grocery store later, and called my mom to see if she wanted to meet me there.

she came. she knew something was wrong. (like most moms do)
i told her all the above reasons of why i thought i was having an off day.

and you know what she did?
she stopped me in the aisle of target, near the clearance (my favorite spot), looked at me and said, with a smile,
"im going to say somethings you probably don't want to hear right now. and i am hoping that us being in a public place will help us not to get into another screaming match"--- you got to have some humor after going at each other like rabid dogs! ;)

she then proceeded to tell me, in a very frank manner,
that i am not taking care of myself.
truly taking care of myself.
and that i am not only doing a huge disservice to myself, but to
eden, ryan, my family, my body, my friends, and my future children.

--frying pan over the head--

how many times have you heard,
"you are no help to others if you don't take care of yourself"

why is it so difficult for me to remember this? take it to heart? live it out?

my body has now started putting up major shut-down signs...
i feel sickness creeping in.
so i poured myself some tea, got in a big fuzzy robe, sat in bed and tried to relax.
i am determined now to not get sick.
to take care of myself, the correct way.
not in the way where i say,
i will wait until things are calmed down, and not so crazy.
because honestly,
they will always be crazy.

--another mama nugget of wisdom--
life doesn't happen in the calm,
 it happens when things are crazy, unplanned, and spontaneous. 

so now i am making an effort to change (a theme for me as of late)

to change my days.
to take time for me.
to love myself.
to take care of myself.

xoxo,
kate

ON THE POTTY

i mentioned in an earlier post about elimination communication [ec-ing].
and that we are jumping on that train...

here is a little update as of 11/10/12:

elimination communication is NOT potty training.
it is being aware of her cues. watching and listening to what she is telling me.

[i promise i will give you an accurate definition once i get to finish reading the book! for now, if your dying to know more... google is your friend]

at first when i heard about this potty business, i was all on board.
ryan was a little weary.

until i explained that we would not have to be changing diapers and washing them all the time!

i tried to get as much information from other mamas as i could. 

i joined a facebook page, read blogs, and got the basic idea down in my head. 

i bought a potty. and then...

i didn't do anything else.

once we moved to pennsylvania, i thought she might be too old to start. 

most parents start from birth or at a couple of months old.

i was talking myself out of it...

until a couple days ago.

after numerous photos of other instagramer mama's...

watching my facebook feed of fellow ec-ers..

i was determined! 

her potty has been in her playroom. 

all green and cute.

i finally said to myself...

order the books. ask questions. lets get this show on the road.

well, it had been a while since a wet diaper.

soooo....

i took the potty in the bathroom with me and eden. 

i placed her potty in the tub.

i put eden on the potty.

i got on my potty. 

mama pee-peed.

eden...

just looked at me. [like really mama? you crazy!]

i remembered that lots of mama's said, don't force it. just introduce it.

so i didn't think much of it...

UNTIL.

a couple days later, 

julie was in the bathroom, fixing her hair. 

eden was playing in the bathroom with her.

julie, "ummm...eden's putting her potty in the tub????"

i was in the kitchen. i dropped everything and ran. 

screaming, "SHE HAS TO PEE!!!"

knowing full well, it was probably a fluke, but hey a girl can dream right?

so i rip of eden's pants and diaper and plop her on the potty.

mom and ryan come down the hall and peek in the doorway,

all of us watching in anticipation. 

[im sure all of them thought i was losing my mind]

well she stood up off of her potty...

and...

SHE PEED!!!!

to say i was thrilled was an understatement.

there might even have been tears... 

eden is one. 

and she is using a potty! 

crazy, right?!

to those who might say its a fluke...

she did it AGAIN while it was just me and her at home.

and now to those who say im kidding myself:

ryan and eden were on the bed playing. 

eden did the sign for poop and proceeded to push daddy off the bed.

ryan took her to the bathroom

and...

she peed!

[ please spare me. i know she signed poop, but to me it counts...

come on she's just one ;) ]

now we are early on in this journey and haven't "caught" other pees. [not even trying for poo's yet]

but to you mama's out there who are interested... stay tuned. start researching.

and to those who think its too late to start... your not!

so... say it with me

one day at a time. 

one pee at a time.

YOU'VE WON MY HEART

the past couple nights i haven't been able to sleep from 4-6 am.

i toss and turn. wide awake.

ryan asleep on one side. 

eden just fed and asleep on the other.

if i am completely honest:
i stalk on instagram. facebook. check my emails. search on craigslist for a piece of furniture for a diy christmas gift for eden.

and then, when i still can't fall asleep, i pray.

we pray before we go to bed each night. sometimes they are fervent prayers. but lately, they have been short and to the point prayers.

"thank you for our blessings. protect us while we sleep and through out our day tomorrow. give us wisdom and guidance. let us sleep well and be fully rested when we wake up. amen."

well, this morning.

again, can't sleep. i go through the routine... and roll over.

then i am prompted to get up and have my quiet time.

something that i have not done in a very long time.

why?

fear. shame. pure laziness. guilt.

i haven't spent true one-on-one time with God.
i have been embarrassed to admit that. scared that He wouldn't want to spend time with me.

oh what lies we tell ourselves. the lies we will believe.

so i got up. out of bed. grabbed my bible. got to my computer. opened up youversion and found two devotionals.

talking with God in prayer
the confident woman

oh how my soul is filled.

while God restored my soul, He reminded me of how much He loves me. He desires me. He finds me valuable, worthy, with a specific purpose.

this was the prayer that was at the end of the devo:

LORD, I ask you to imprint Your love into the depths of my heart. I believe you have a great future for me and that I can walk in Your purpose for my life. Amen.

i write down everything, so while writing this prayer down i added, "into the depths of my soul, my heart." 

after writing it, i prayed. and wow. 
the peace that came over me.
the reassurance. the love.

and with that the Holy Spirit revealed to me:
"Kate, you are in the season I have you in for a specific purpose. embrace it. don't fight it."

a powerful word.

i have struggled so much lately with my purpose. what is it?
 it never occurred to me, i am in it already.

while i am writing this, At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott is playing on pandora...

trade these ashes in for beauty.
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
coming to kiss the feet of mercy, 
i lay every burden down, 
at the foot of the cross.
and you've won my heart.

youtube video

what a wonderful way to start today.

not what i was prepared for. not what i thought would happen.
but so worth it. so refreshing.

i am sharing this, because i know that i am not the only one who is experiencing this season right now.

know that you are loved. you are so very loved. that He is waiting for you. He desires you. your time. your heart. your everything.

don't wait like i did. jump in. let His perfect love and mercy surround you.

NOAH JOEL :: INFANT LOSS

noah. hebrew. rest, comfort
joel. hebrew. the Lord is God

october 15. infant loss day remembering.sharing


july 13 2009.

my cycles had been off for a couple months, so when my period came and i passed a rather large clot, i thought it was just my body "catching up". i hadn't had regular cycles due to coming off birth control (something that i will never use again, and never promote or encourage anyone to ever using). i had been bleeding and cramping over a week and i just knew something wasnt right. i made a phone call to the dr's office and spoke with a nurse. i explained my symptoms...

she mentioned i was more than likely experiencing a miscarriage and that i should go to the ER.

that day was awful. we went to the hospital. we waited for over 4 hours to be seen and then another 2 hours before we got any type of answer.

the nurses and doctor were cold and unsympathetic. my mother, who is a nurse, was appalled at the treatment we were given.

this is a photo that i took while sitting in the freezing cold room, after being handled like a piece of meat and had one of the most painful pelvic exams. ever.

to me, i look at this photo and it expresses how that er visit was.

cold. sterile. harsh. neglect. 

i will never forget: 

-sitting in the er waiting room, bleeding, doubled over in pain, watching people who had just walked in with splinters or a stubbed toe, be escorted back to be taken care of.

-having to repeat over and over why i was there. 

-the insincere "im sorry" from the nurse writing in the chart.

-the doctor that rolled her eyes when she listened to me describe what was happening.

-that blue cup in the picture: that was the cup i had to urinate in. in a bathroom. in the middle of the main hallway. and then walk past other patients, to bring it back to my room. and then proceed to watch it sit on the counter. two nurses came in at separate times and never took it to test it. to be given discharge papers while the cup still sat on the counter. untouched.

-those stir-ups that they attached to the bed, how they were tossed on the counter with a bang and the nurse/doctor just got up and left after "checking" me. 

-the disregard for human life that the entire staff gave me and my unborn child.

the "results" that were given:

because i did not have a positive pregnancy test they refused to confirm that i had miscarried.

stunned. shock. numb.

wait, so i didn't "medically" miscarry because i did not have a positive pregnancy test?

how can someone say that? WHY would someone say that. 

this was my experience over three years ago. i think about it quite a bit. i can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that miscarrying my son was one of the worst moments in my life.

i was a mess for months. every where i turned there were pregnant women, newborns, babies. baby ads. baby clothes. i couldn't walk in anywhere with out being bombarded with BABY BABY BABY.

i was sad. hurt. angry. confused. devastated.

i cried for days, weeks. i didn't want to get out of bed. i broke into tears every time i would look into people's eyes. i closed myself away from people. i put up walls.

even now, i can remember the pain i felt.
is it still there? yes.
is it as strong? honestly? sometimes.

there are times where i grieve. still.
are there people who won't understand that? yes.

i heard everything when i told people... honestly, there are no words that take the pain away. no words that make it better. most of the time, for me at least, having someone just hold me and be silent was best.

people mean well, most of the time. but there are sometimes that i think people mean too well and say things that really just hurt. while, now i know that they said these things in love and thought they were helping.

but then i was so mad. frustrated. and angry at some of the things people said.

"your young, you have time"
"there was something wrong with your baby, thats why you lost him"
"you can always try again"
"there is always adoption"
"it was meant to be"
"well, you weren't that far along."
"God doesn't make mistakes."
"are you sure you miscarried?"
"at least you know you can get pregnant"

please, if you know someone who has miscarried, don't blow them off. don't try and give them a reason for what happened. honestly, most of the time you will never know the why. let them talk. let them cry. let them feel. let them grieve.

there are many people that go through miscarriages, and it doesn't effect them all the same way. thats okay. some people, its best for them to move on and never discuss. thats okay.

that is not me.

my heart is tender. (this is not to say that those who didn't experience and grieve like i did don't have tender hearts.)

while i don't have all the answers, i do know the things that helped me.

-our family and friends were so supportive. they showered us in love and prayers.
 
-the best thing for me, were the hugs. the silent embraces that allowed me to cry. to grieve. no judgement. no expectation of when i was suppost to be okay. they allowed me to grieve. which in a way allowed myself to be okay with whatever "time frame" that this would take.

-the random texts and phone calls. "i love you" "we are praying for you" "do you need anything?"

-naming our son.

this was a big thing for us. we had no concrete evidence to hold on to, no positive pregnancy test, no ultra-sound photo, no recording of a heart beat. i got tired and frustrated of just saying and thinking, "i lost our baby"

  ryan and i talked a lot, and we both felt we lost our son. we decided to name him.

noah joel. meaning: comfort and rest, the Lord is God. 

we were finally able to say his name. noah. our sweet noah. 

we know that 

"in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." 

we claimed that. 

we knew that noah had a purpose. just like we all do.

even though we never got to hold him. see him.

my arms still ache to hold him.

i have had many dreams of noah.
i have seen him dancing on the streets of gold. i have seen him in our Heavenly Fathers' arms.
i believe we will see him again, one day.

-i had a ring made by a wonderful woman, Gracie. i now have something that i can hold and touch.

she wrote a little of what we had done here : my persimmon

there are two things that i will never forget. 

we had two couples that took us under their wings. 

Money and Jason. Paul and Candace. 

they prayed for us. with us. 

even weeks, months after we lost Noah. they called and texted. 

one night about a couple weeks after i miscarried, Paul called and prayed over the phone with me. while he was praying he said, "give them peace that passes all understanding".

i have heard that phrase over and over, especially growing up in church, but that night it sank in, it covered over me. that night, i believe i was finally able to talk to God. really talk to him. tell him how i felt. the good. bad. and the ugly. i was able to sleep that night and wake up not feeling like my world was crashing and burning. 

thank you Paul.

Money. oh sweet Money. darling, i love you so much. you have been a pillar of strength, wisdom, encouragement, and love. your words. your prayers. your hugs. i miss you dearly! 

you held me, multiple times, while i sobbed. when i didn't know how i was going to make it through the day. when i searched for answers. 

i remember you pulling me aside one day to tell me you had a dream. 

you told me, you saw ryan and i with a blonde headed little girl and a little boy with brown eyes like mine. you knew that those were our babies.

i remember thinking to myself "well maybe she got the color of her hair wrong because there is no way that we would have a blonde headed child". boy, was i wrong and am so glad i was.

i remember you telling me, that i was a mama. those words were so healing to me. thank you sweet friend.

while today is infant loss day, i wanted to share a little of my story. (while i know its been a long post, i appreciate you sticking with me through the end)

to remember noah. 

and where it has brought us today.

enter in eden. our delight.

our daughter who is less than 10 days away from turning one. 

our blonde haired blue-eyed little girl. 

one thing, i think we forget or think is bad, is if we get mad at God. think about a parent/child relationship. did you ever get mad at your parents? did you ever scream and yell at them? ignore them?... most likely, yes you did. 

did that mean you loved them any less? (really loved them any less?) that they were no longer your parents? no.

While there are many aspects to our relationship with God, the father-child relationship is one of most revelation to me. How we are to be as parents. that even if our children say they hate us.don't love us, we still love them and are here for them. that we watch over them.guide them, even if they don't want it. that when they hurt.we hurt.

God was there for us. even when i could not see it. when i really didn't care if He was or not. thats hard for me to admit. that i did not trust God. really trust Him. 

and if i am completely honest. i didn't fully trust Him again until i had eden in my arms. every day i was pregnant was wonderful. but it was also fearful. was i going to lose her too? would i have another child i wouldn't get to see? hold? watch grow up?

i think when you miscarry you are brought into a new realm of understanding. understanding how fragile life is. what a true miracle life is. 

i now hold eden, with an understanding that she is not my own. she is God's.He entrusted her to us. 

and while i mourn the loss of our son, noah joel, i know that there is purpose with his short time on earth. 

that there is peace that passes all understanding. 

and that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." 

to those of you who have experienced infant loss, i am sorry. i love you. i pray for you.

know that you are not alone. 

xoxo, 

-Kate