GO WITH THE FLOW

a while back, i shared something that terrified me to say out loud.

that i was struggling with anxiety and depression.
:: you can read the post HERE ::

have i found the magic cure... no.
am i working daily through it... yes.

its been a trial and error experiment over the last few months.
but i can begin to say, im starting to feel better.
the fog is lifting...
now some days are rough, really rough... but i can see the light.

YOU'VE WON MY HEART

the past couple nights i haven't been able to sleep from 4-6 am.

i toss and turn. wide awake.

ryan asleep on one side. 

eden just fed and asleep on the other.

if i am completely honest:
i stalk on instagram. facebook. check my emails. search on craigslist for a piece of furniture for a diy christmas gift for eden.

and then, when i still can't fall asleep, i pray.

we pray before we go to bed each night. sometimes they are fervent prayers. but lately, they have been short and to the point prayers.

"thank you for our blessings. protect us while we sleep and through out our day tomorrow. give us wisdom and guidance. let us sleep well and be fully rested when we wake up. amen."

well, this morning.

again, can't sleep. i go through the routine... and roll over.

then i am prompted to get up and have my quiet time.

something that i have not done in a very long time.

why?

fear. shame. pure laziness. guilt.

i haven't spent true one-on-one time with God.
i have been embarrassed to admit that. scared that He wouldn't want to spend time with me.

oh what lies we tell ourselves. the lies we will believe.

so i got up. out of bed. grabbed my bible. got to my computer. opened up youversion and found two devotionals.

talking with God in prayer
the confident woman

oh how my soul is filled.

while God restored my soul, He reminded me of how much He loves me. He desires me. He finds me valuable, worthy, with a specific purpose.

this was the prayer that was at the end of the devo:

LORD, I ask you to imprint Your love into the depths of my heart. I believe you have a great future for me and that I can walk in Your purpose for my life. Amen.

i write down everything, so while writing this prayer down i added, "into the depths of my soul, my heart." 

after writing it, i prayed. and wow. 
the peace that came over me.
the reassurance. the love.

and with that the Holy Spirit revealed to me:
"Kate, you are in the season I have you in for a specific purpose. embrace it. don't fight it."

a powerful word.

i have struggled so much lately with my purpose. what is it?
 it never occurred to me, i am in it already.

while i am writing this, At the Foot of the Cross by Kathryn Scott is playing on pandora...

trade these ashes in for beauty.
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
coming to kiss the feet of mercy, 
i lay every burden down, 
at the foot of the cross.
and you've won my heart.

youtube video

what a wonderful way to start today.

not what i was prepared for. not what i thought would happen.
but so worth it. so refreshing.

i am sharing this, because i know that i am not the only one who is experiencing this season right now.

know that you are loved. you are so very loved. that He is waiting for you. He desires you. your time. your heart. your everything.

don't wait like i did. jump in. let His perfect love and mercy surround you.

STORM

its pitter-pattering on our windows. the sound of rain is so comforting to me.

but tonight, it is different.

the forecast is tomorrow afternoon we will be hit with the beginning of hurricane Sandy aka.Frankenstorm.

[and to think we moved from Texas and its hurricanes... only to be in PA and preparing for power loss as well as flooding]

ryan got a phone call from work asking him to travel tomorrow.

to lancaster, pa.

aka. closer to the storm.

for three days.

we talked about him going and decided that he would say no.

unless they couldn't find anyone else.

well, they needed two people, and yup. ryan is one of them.

while at first, i wasn't too concerned.

i would miss him, like i always do. but he is providing for our family, and he is helping work out.

but this afternoon, we went to a birthday party. and on the way home we had a talk.

one of those talks you really don't want to talk about. the ones you don't want to even dream about.

the talk of...

what will happen if something were to happen to one of us. or even both of us.

what will happen with Eden? our future children?

its gut wrenching to think about. i can not imagine life without Ryan. i don't want to.

even worse, i don't even want to think of the possibility of Eden being left without both of us.

it makes me cry. ache.

as a mama, you want to protect your children from everything. love them fiercely. share life with them. the thought that that could be ripped away from her... 

dear jesus help me.

help me...

to not let my mind wander.

to give this to you, fully.

to protect our family. 

to watch over ryan while he is gone.

to keep everyone safe through out this storm.

so i ask you, please pray for not only Ryan while he is gone, but for the families and people who are in the path of this storm. for safety and protection. for not only the physical storm, but for the emotional storms that brew in our hearts and soul. that can get so easily out of hand with worry and fear. pray for the children. 

for not everyone has the love of storms that i do.

so while its pitter-pattering outside, i give my worry and fear to you lord. 

i will miss my partner in crime, my strength, my warmth, my love. even though its only for a couple of days...